GES138 - Vienna Flakturm VII G (Bauart 3)
Unlike the French Army, the French Resistance had balls and a determination to fight the vile Nazi regime. The Resistance worked with many brave British spies that landed behind enemy lines. One such spy was known only as Pipe Ninja. Using HALO parachute methods, he was dropped into Austria near the city of Vienna, or Wien to the locals. There, he would meet up with the daring, dashing, determined French Resistance fighter known as L'Explo. L'Explo was worshipped and admired by the French not working with the Vichy regime. Women had pictures of him secreted under chairs and in packs of Cornflakes, they would take it out at opportune moments and playfully think of him and his heroic efforts.
The two chaps made their way into the City of Vienna, linking up in a covert hostelry known as 'Wombats Hostel.' A place liberally strewn with sticky cobwebs, pumpkin imagery and ghoulish masks for it was halloween. Such a place would be too fearful for the Nazi soldiers to enter. So they were safe. Over their 200ml complimentary drink, they began to plan out their mission.
Pipe Ninja (for it is he) - "So Monsieur L'explo, what does intelligence tell you about entering this massive concrete structure which is preventing us from winning this long and bitter war?"
L'Explo - "I have reviewed many intelligence reports on this place, and have reccied eet numerous times. I believe eet is very possible."
Pipe Ninja (him again) - "What method do you recommend, my resistance fighting national heartthrob? Do we steal an airplane from the aerodrome, fly to great height and then use the very dangerous HALO parachute method to land on the top, clearing the soldiers as we drop?"
L'Explo - No.
Pipe Ninja - "Do we use our specialist Swiss Army shovels to dig below the structure, file our nails, de-scale some fish and then pop up inside the structure?
L'Explo - Non
Pipe Ninja - "Do we build huge pole vaults cunningly constructed from flag poles dotted around the city and jump in, guns blazing?"
L'Explo (swoon, for it is him) - "No, and no again my clearly over excited roast beef sandwich, we merely announce that L'explo is here via the BrrraaaP Megaphone, wait 2 minutes for the tower to clear, and slip under the gate."
Pipe Ninja (Somewhat deflated) - "I see, this won't make an entry in the latest Boy's Own annual you know. Can we at least wear parachutes while slipping under the gate?"
L'Explo (steely chinned) - "Sacre Bleu! Why me."
And with that they approached the Park containing the target. It sat nestled with machine gun nests and brimming with searchlights hoping to spot our stories plucky saboteurs.
L'Explo emitted a huge 'Brrraaaaapp" and the Nazi scum tossed their weapons to the ground and fled the tower. Those on the roof who knew they wouldn't get down in time jumped to their doom. And so it was, that the area was quiet and abandoned after the 120seconds had elapsed. Only the quiet girl like screams of the Nazi's fleeing in the distance broke the silence.
Once inside, and the Pipe Ninja had untangled his parachute that had inexplicably exploded while passing under the gate, It was time to ascertain the method of vertical assault.
Pipe Ninja (the commentary continues) - "Don't worry L'Explo, I have this in hand. Q has passed onto me the latest development in vertical rapid ascent, they call it, a jetpack. In no time we will be at the top."
L'Explo (still steely chinned) - "Zut Alor. Monsieur Rosbif, do you not think eet would be easier to take the stairs?"
Pipe Ninja (dejected) - "Sir, you're no fun."
Eventually, using nothing other than pure physical exertion, we made it to the top of the structure. However, unfortunately where there should have been a Flak gun, there was now only a few bolts poking up. In the time we'd taken to climb the stairs, a bunch of enterprising East European metal thieves had used jetpacks to reach the top and remove the guns.
We turned a corner and continued up a narrow gap to the very top of the tower, hoping to see the direction the metal thieves went. However it transpired they were long gone. Instead we were left with an empty gunless tower, staring into the mist. Our masters would not be happy.
The misty city was lit up with explosions of luminance. Our brave boys fighting to defeat the enemy within the city.
Across the way another tower poking up from the dark park that had been previously silenced by another crack team of espionage fighters from the 121st IT data storage division.
While L'Explo sought to create the perfect photo, using only a mere 12,000 attempts. The Pipe Ninja was advised that standing in the small hole left where the flak guns once stood, would allow the person to be at one with the guns, and therefore see imagery of where the metal thieves had taken them. Pipe Ninja duly obeyed, and stood in the small hole for a good few hours trying to visualise where the guns had gone. After said period of time, L'Explo had finally got an image he was happy with, and stressed we should move on. The Pipe Ninja was distraught, as he had failed to locate the guns through the powers of cosmic visualisation.
In their haste to leave, the Nazi's had managed to blow up their entire supplies of Kinder Eggs and Bensdorp Alpenmilch bars. This was most frustrating. The Pipe Ninja had only volunteered for the mission in the hope of locating the much mythologised bounty of Kinder Eggs. The thought of building endless amounts of tiny plastic toys, and trying to fit on those fiddly stickers. Not to mention the joyful taste of the world renown Kinder chocolate. This was below the top layer in the tower, the peak of the explosive power.
The explosion had had such an effect, that steel strips were needed to hold the tower together. Without the strips, the tower would crumble. No tower would mean that there would be nothing to show future generations what went on this crazy night. The cheeky metal thieves had also removed all the machine gun nests from the balconies.
We descended the stairs and walked out into the aftermath of the huge explosion. Minute fragments of tiny coloured plastic littered the place, with a distinct smell of the sweet chocolate hanging in the air.
The Pipe Ninja walks bravely out into the rumble, hopeful of finding just one un-built toy nestled in it's plastic yellow egg. But alas, he is to be out of luck. "Damn you Nazi's! "You finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
The destruction was immense, and sadly our mission was to be incomplete. The poor bombed out children of Blitzed London would have to make do with horse chesnuts, apples and other dry unimaginative foods that something called 'nature' provides.
The mission fin ished, a photo was taken as a memento of posterity at such an accomplishment. L'Explo had to cover up in order to calm the swooning hearts of the ladies in his homeland. The Pipe Ninja covered up to protect Americans who may be frightened by his British Teeth.
As told to the Guerrilla Exploring Website. Thanks are made to both participants.